Most of the time, I’m the kind of person who loves being around people. I love being in the presence of another human, even if there’s no conversation or we’re doing two completely other things. I like the satisfaction of another person around me so I feel secure. I use to hate being alone because being alone meant bad thoughts that I just wanted to avoid. The only way I could avoid it was surrounding myself with people and forcing myself to get out and do things constantly. Keeping myself distracted from waking up until the moment I closed my eyes. I started doing this so much that I lost myself. I lost the love for things I was supposed to love doing. Reading, writing, watching nature, being happy and taking care of myself. All of that disappeared for awhile. I was so busy trying to keep from being alone that I stopped focusing on the little things that brought me happiness.
My room which is always clean, slowly became a mess.
My writings came less frequently.
My walks disappeared.
I stopped taking care of myself.
I lost myself.
They say the first step of getting better is realizing you’re doing something wrong. Recognizing that something isn’t right and it needs to be fixed. I realized it’s okay to be alone and to help myself. Constantly surrounding myself with people isn’t fixing the problem, it’s only a distraction. I have to dive right in and face myself, even the worst parts of me. I have to find myself again. For the first time in a long time I’m going to start doing things for me. I’m going to spend more time with myself doing the things that I love.
Ever since I took a break from social media back in January I haven’t been using my phone as much. I’ve been spending some of my free time doing other things instead of scrolling through pointless internet posts. I’ve been spoiling myself since I deserve it. I’ve been cleaning out my room, making it bigger and brighter to make me more motivated to actually do things. I’ve been using candles that smell good to relax me at night to help my anxiety. Also, I’ve cut the caffeine before sleeping so my dreams aren’t as wack.
In time I’ll get back to where I was during the summer last year. I became too dependent on other people to help me hide from my thoughts when I need to face them head on and learn to love myself like I use to. I hate not feeling comfortable with myself anymore. I miss how strong and independent I was. How I didn’t need to rely on anybody for help because I was strong enough to get through things on my own. I’m ready to get back to that point. I want to be mentally stable enough once again to know I can do this. At the end of the day all I have is myself and that’s who I’m going to start relying on.