Okay…. I think we’ve made it very clear that I really suck at updating this blog. If you’re new, I tend to do this thing in the winter where I get really depressed and disappear for a bit. If you asked me why, I’d tell you I don’t know because writing is extremely therapeutic to me, and I use it as a coping mechanism when shit hits the fan.
In December, shit did in fact hit the fan, and I went into a major downhill spiral. One of the worst times in my life. So much was going on, I got so overwhelmed with everything, especially Christmas, and I shut down. I couldn’t leave my bed for days, couldn’t eat, all the usual things that happen to me during those dark times. I ended up logging out of all social media, shut my phone off and went off the grid for a week. Let me tell you… I really hate being alone. I despise it. When I’m alone, my feelings run wild, I end up overthinking, then some mistakes happen. During this time where I logged out of everything, I thought I was literally going to die. I consumed myself with social media to the point where I was never mentally alone for a second. The first night of being alone wasn’t bad at all. I was surprised. Of course, I still had my iPad and the very few people who knew what was going on would text me throughout the day to make sure I was alright. I’m so thankful for them. Once I was alone for a few days I found a new sense of peace in me. I didn’t feel the need to comsume myself around people to feel mentally stable. I felt as if I didn’t have to depend on people to make me feel mentally stable anymore. I was independent and loving it. The peace I felt was amazing. I almost didn’t want to log back into anything after a week because I was very content with being alone. During that week, I got a notebook and started writing down how I felt at random moments in the day. If I was feeling sad, I would write about a happy memory to make myself smile. Slowly but surely, I started gaining my motivation back. By the time I was ready to come back on to social media, which was my birthday, I was pretty much back to my normal self. (Guess who’s 21 now…). I had the best birthday of my life thanks to my friends, family, and a lot of Taco Bell. It really helped me pull myself out of the dark hole I was in.
Now, I’m pretty happy. I wish it wasn’t winter. I really, really hate winter with a burning passion in my soul. For the last few days it’s done nothing but snow and be really crappy out. I’m sick of it. Completely sick of winter. It feels like January has lasted 6 months. That’s 6 months too many. All I want is for it to be sunny and warm so I can go outside and be more productive with myself instead of sitting at home and sleeping. I sleep a lot more in the winter and I hate it. Once March comes around I’ll be the happiest child you’ve ever seen. Until then, you might see a lot of me, you might not see much of me, but regardless just know I love you all 🙂