Lately my anxiety has been through the roof. Normally I always have some kind of anxiety going on in my life, but lately it’s been to the point where if I eat I throw up, I can’t breathe right, my chest is constantly tight, I’ve even fainted a few times. Let’s just say the first week of December is going amazing for me.
With all of that going on, melatonin has been my only resort of being able to fall asleep and stay asleep. A few days ago, Tuesday night/Wednesday morning I believe, I went to bed around 11:30 but I woke up around 3:00 having a horrible anxiety attack. I was covered in a cold sweat, I couldn’t breathe and I was so confused. After I had calmed down I realized it was only 3:00 in the morning. So much for the melatonin helping. I got a bottle of water, laid back down and tried to fall asleep to the sound of George Lopez’s voice.
Soon it was 4:00. Still hadn’t slept at all. I started texting some friends to tell them I was not okay at all. Only one was awake at the time so I texted him for a bit before I tried to fall back asleep. By then it was 4:30. I still wasn’t tired. I laid there with my eyes closed for a half hour. 5:00. No progress.
At this point the only word coming to my mind is “fuck”. At that point I just gave up trying to sleep. I started watching George Lopez and mindlessly scrolling through Facebook. I even went through some emails… I was desperate. 5:30. At this point I’m sort of feeling tired, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Around 6:00 I texted Austen because I knew he would be getting up for work soon.
I managed to make it till 6:30 then Austen woke up and texted me. Soon after Matt started messaging me. I started to feel more calm and relaxed. My chest still hurt though and it was hard to breathe in deeply.
I don’t know when I ended up falling asleep. I think it was between 6:45 and 7:15. I slept until 9:30 then woke up, later than the normal time I wake up. I was so fricking tired that I didn’t wanna do a single thing. I didn’t even want to move. I felt so comfy and content. I went back to sleep until 10:00. My mom came back to my room around 10:15 to see if I was still alive.
That night was rough. I’ve had nights like that before, but never as bad as that. All throughout the day I felt like an anxious mess. My friend Emily (shoutout to you for all the tips), helped me through a lot that day. Breathe in 3 seconds, hold 3 seconds, exhale 3 seconds. Do it 3 times until you feel the steadiness. Heating pad to the chest to help relax chest muscles.
Since the last few days have been horribly anxious for me and I have yet to find a reason why, Matt and I went on a night time drive. I can’t express to you how much car rides calm me down. Even sitting in silence driving down a country road made everything feel okay again. For once I started breathing normally and right now I don’t have a pain in my chest. It was even better because there were houses decorated with Christmas lights.
If you don’t know me, I LOVE Christmas. I have three Christmas trees up in my room, so many decorations, and I’ve been surviving solely off hot chocolate and candy canes. Don’t even get me started on the Christmas cookies. So seeing all the lights up looking so pretty in the dark made me beyond happy. I could look at Christmas lights for hours and not get tired of it. Matt and I talked about our favorite decorations, and how it’s not Christmas if there isn’t Santa, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolf, snow, and multi colored lights. I love the multi colored lights. I even saw ones that flash. Oh how my heart was so warm and happy. All I can say is what a nice, relaxing evening I had. Hopefully I continue to feel relaxed for the rest of the wonderful holiday season.