The Person I Used to Be

She’s timid, very shy at times. Tries to fit in with the crowd. Not make herself noticeable to others. She likes to hide away. Away from the public eye. So much to the point where people don’t even know she’s there. She likes to hide behind her boyfriend. Most people don’t even notice her when they’re together. She lets him be the light of the night while she sits behind in the shadows, silently observing.

In her head she knows what she wants, but instead she lets people get away with hurting her because she’s too scared to stand her own ground and speak up for herself. She lays in bed hurting with a broken heart because people keep getting away with hurting her mentally. She won’t tell anybody that though. She’s too scared of those people in her life leaving. They’re all she has… or so she thinks. All her life she’s been living in the shadows of other people. She’s never had her own opinions or thoughts. It’s all been what other people want her to say, think and do. Even if it made her uncomfortable or even pushed her past her breaking point, she went along with it for fear of people leaving or being yelled at. One of her worst fears is getting yelled at or feeling like she has disappointed others.

Me.

That was me a year ago today. I couldn’t hold my own ground. I couldn’t stand on my own two feet. I lived in the shadows. I let everybody walk all over me. I feared people leaving. Guess what? It took my world falling apart to realize that’s not who I’m supposed to be. It took everybody who used to be in my life walk out on me. I lost an entire group of friends because of a breakup. I lost a future I thought I had built for myself. I lost absolutely everything I had worked for. It all came crumbling down in shambles.

It took me going through such a heartbreak to learn what I really wanted in a relationship. I had to build myself back up alone, something I feared terribly. There were so many things I realized I didn’t want to put up with if I ever went into a new relationship. Things that I know weren’t me, and I didn’t want my special love to do. I don’t want to settle for anything less because in the end, I know what I deserve. I also know what I don’t deserve. If somebody doesn’t want to be the person to complete my life, then so be it. I can’t chase anymore. I refuse to be the person that gets walked all over and told to deal with it because I’m a nobody. I AM NOT a nobody anymore. I’m Abby. I’m not hiding behind anybody anymore or sitting in the dark shadows. I’m not in the front crowd. I’m happy with my life. I have the greatest friends I could ever ask for. My circle might be small, but I have the best times with them. I have the cutest cat and a life I love living.

So many people have told me that I deserve the world because of everything I do for people. I never thought I actually did because in my past I’ve been told I don’t help I only ruin. It’s taken an entire 12 months to get to where I am now. I KNOW MY WORTH. This year has been one of the hardest years I’ve ever went through. Although it’s been harder than hell, and sometimes I didn’t even wanna wake up, I still did the next morning. Some days I couldn’t leave my bed or pick up my phone. I kept marching on. I kept going. I picked myself back up and remembered I’m still a bad bitch. The amount of pain I’ve been through has only made me stronger. Sometimes I still fall down, but I know I’ll come back stronger and better than before. My friends and family are here to catch me and reassure me how special I am. This year is coming to a close and each day that New Years gets a little closer, I feel a little more sense of relief. Knowing I made it through this year is going to bring me such blissful happiness I might cry. There’s no telling what 2019 will hold, but I know in my heart that if I made it through this year, I can make it through anything.

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