Alrighty… I don’t even know where to start. I guess a good start would be telling you where the hell I’ve been for the past month and a half, or however long it’s been. I don’t even know anymore. I’m going to try to explain this the best I can without confusing everybody into losing brain cells.
Awhile ago, sometime in early September, I felt off. I felt like I was stuck in a rut. A rut that I didn’t even know existed. I’m not the person to have a routine. I go with the flow and do things at random times whenever I have the time. I’m pretty easy going when it comes to a solid routine. So feeling like I was stuck in a rut not only confused me, but made me think I was living my life completely wrong. I had to rethink everything I did in my daily life, wondering if I really needed to do that. I quit writing for awhile, which made me even more confused. Not being able to write about things that bothered me, or anything in my life was making everything more cloudy.
I ended up getting really really sick. I was constantly throwing up, I couldn’t hold any food down, not even water, for about 3-4 days. I lost a lot of weight and I had no energy. I’m already very underweight. After all of this I ended up losing a total of 10 pounds. I looked horrible. Well, I look horrible everyday, but picture me looking horrendous. All I could do was sleep. I was hardly on my phone and I’m always on my phone. That’s when people knew something was wrong.
I ended up going to my sister for support. She was there for me every step of the way. I’m so glad she was there for me during this. I looked to a lot of my friends, or the few friends I have and actually care to help me. Eventually I started to get better. Well, not so much eventually. One morning I woke and I felt fine. It was weird. I started to get my energy back as time went on. It took me about a week to feel better enough to walk up a flight of stairs and not feel winded. I was able to eat little amounts at a time. I’m still working on the whole eating part. Since I’m pretty sure my stomach shrank, it’s been easy for me to go long periods of time without eating. I just don’t get hungry. It also doesn’t take much to make me feel full. I used to be able to eat an entire pizza. Now I can barely manage a slice. It sucks, but I’m getting there.
Aside from that, I’ve managed to fall into a depression during all of that. Everything kinda came crashing down all at once and I felt so helpless. Writing was the last thing on my mind although at times I felt like a piece of shit for not writing to you because that’s what I love doing most. This is like my own little therapy corner of the internet that some people like to read. Everyday I would wake up and do absolutely nothing. I had no motivation to do anything. Not even clean my room and I’m super OCD about keeping my room looking nice. All of these things pilling up on top of each other made me feel like my world was crashing down. Not to mention I had problems with a really close friend of mine for awhile. I’m glad those issues finally got sorted out and are in the process of healing.
I don’t know, with all of that happening I felt horrible. I was in a place in life that I never wanted to fall back into. A place that I worked my ass off to get out of. I worked for months to make sure I was not only staying physically healthy, but mentally healthy as well. I hate the feeling of having no motivation to get anything done. I didn’t have the energy to do anything that I loved. I was so tired of waking up everyday and doing nothing for hours upon hours on end. Happiness was a foreign emotion to me. I was constantly putting on a fake face to everybody except a few who actually knew what was going on. If it wasn’t for them I have no idea where I would be right now.
Now that I’m on the track to getting better, I thought it was only right that I write out what’s been going on. For awhile my mind felt so clouded that I didn’t know how to explain how I felt to anybody. I felt aggravated since using words is my thing and I couldn’t manage a sentence without jacking it up. I was so ready to give up at that point. I texted my nephew because he gets it and I tried to tell him everything. I trust him with my life so I knew he would be able to help. He gave me some of the best advice I had ever heard. It opened a window in my mind and suddenly all the fog was leaving and I could think about everything that was going on and I found the solutions to everything. That night, I went home and wrote down every feeling that was going through my head. I cried it out, then smiled because I knew I was going to be just fine.
Today, I feel amazing. I woke up feeling amazing. I managed to eat a little bit, I smiled and laughed a lot. I cuddled my kitty and even though it’s a little cloudy today, my mind is sunny.