Running Away

Sometimes I want to run away.
I dream of where I would go, what I would do, who would be with me.
I feel trapped… lost without a home.
I desperately long to know what home feels like again.
The feeling of being loved and appreciated.
Sometimes I’m reminded of the feeling of home.
The feeling of being safe and secure, with people who love you endlessly.
I feel warm and content, being able to put a real smile on my face without forcing my face muscles to move.

It’s short lived.

Then once again, the feeling of being trapped returns.
I’m suffocating in the four walls of a house that I can’t bring myself to call home anymore.

Nothing I do is right. I’m a lost cause.
There’s no fixing the unfixable.
I’m am invisible force that has no purpose in this lifetime. Night upon night, I sit awake in the four suffocating walls of my room and wonder why I’m not good enough. I wonder why I was put here if I don’t have a purpose. I let my thoughts consume every inch of my brain until I’m in a puddle of my own tears and sadness.

I cry.

Wondering when the pain will come to an end.
I pray for the day when I can call these four walls home once again.

I want to go far away from here.
To a place where it’s always sunny and warm.
Where the people are happy and welcoming to everyone.
A place were nobody knows my name. A place where I’m not worried if I’m good enough.
I want to completely start over. A fresh start. A new beginning.
The new chapter in my life that I desperately crave.
I can’t stand being where I’m not wanted or loved.

The day will come when I up and out this place. I dream about this new start. When will it happen? When the time is right.
For now, I silently suffer, in these four suffocating walls.

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