Why Are You Allowed to Talk Ep. 5

*this is a series of dumb things my friends and I say* 

Nick: If the olive can’t do it, I can’t do it either!

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Me: *Texting* I’m going to kill musket.
Sam: *Texting* We can keep our drunk in there.

~~

Sam: I’m pissed at trivia, those weren’t even countries.
Me: Wait, Paris isn’t a country?
Sam: ….omg.
Me: Wait…. Never mind.

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Jeb: He has good handwriting.
Me: He’s fucking dumb!

~~

Me: I literally can’t reach my goldfish.
Sam: That’s literally not my problem.
Me: I’m literally starving to death.
Sam: That literally sucks.

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*Carly’s baby starts fussing*
Carly: It’s frowned upon to call children assholes, but it’s not illegal.

~~

Me: *Driving around with Carly* Our periods used to be synced, but you just had to get get pregnant.

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My mom: Behave yourselves.
Carly: Behead ourselves?

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Me: I wanna see that movie, but I know I’ll be crying the entire time.
Carly: *Looks at her baby* say “That’s because you’re a little bitch!”

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*Driving in the evening*
Carly: Nick, I will come over there.
Nick: I will hit a tree.
Carly: Damn, that was a little dramatic.

~~

*Sam starts putting items on me*
Me: Do I look like a table to you?
Sam: no.. you’re a chair.

~~

Keigan: *Throwing snowballs at Nick’s truck*
Nick: Stop you’re going to dent my truck!
Keigan: I’m watering your truck so it grows big and strong!

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*Sitting in my room at 1 in the morning*
Montana: *About to die*
Me: okay… you need to go to bed.
Montana: Uhhh it’ll buff out *Giggles*

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Nick and I: *Taking Montana home*
Montana: *Passed out*
Me: Oh no look we broke Montana…
Nick: Broke him? I thought we were just returning him.

~~

Person: *Bitching about a window and a mirror*
Montana: Actually, you can look through a window. You can’t look through a mirror.
Person: *Turns around with a red face* SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
*Everybody giggles*

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